Method of communication

Am I writing a series on communication? Lol

So here’s my booboo story. I mentioned previously that I was super duper pissed and made a hell of a fuss right? Well, the fuss got so bad that it involved so many parties.

MrF wasn’t explaining why MIL kept information from me and I was rather taken aback that MIL would do that to me. So in our argument,

Me: Are you sure your mom really said to keep the information from me? What kind of education is this? I will ask your mom about it.

MrF: Go ahead la (in a if-you-dare tone)

This wife doesn’t like to waste time so she proceeded (a few hours later). One puji diri sendiri moment: In an argument, I still managed to get permission from husband wokay? Lol!

I thought about it and decided to take action.

Here’s my excuses for my actions lol:

It was at night already and I have a clingy latching baby who’s trying to nurse to sleep. He usually nurses for quite a long period before he finally sleeps. MrF and I will not make any sound whenever BBoss sleeps cos he’s such a light sleeper. That means calling MIL was not possible.

I also can’t wait till the day we visit ILs. The weekend after, ILs was going to go on a holiday, that means the next meetup would be 2 weeks later. Omg I cannot wait that long.

So what I did was… whatsapp my MIL. Yes, whatsapp. How trendy was I? 🤦🏻‍♀️ I ran by my message with my kakak first to confirm if I have the right to feel this way (or I might be overly sensitive right?) and also made sure the message (in full Malay) didn’t sound rude. I did not want to attack but merely asking for clarification.

It only hit me that omg I did a booboo after I clicked “send”!! My MIL is super traditional. Message2 gini tak main. True enough, the booboo whacked me hard cos MIL got so affected and everyone else in the ILs family got involved. Macam I’ve attacked their Queen Ant you know.

Learning points:

  1. Don’t do things immediately when you’re angry (even when you have husband’s “permission”)
  2. Do a sit down face to face discussion instead of calling or messaging (messaging is totally a younger generation kinda thing right? But yeah gotta think about the other side haiz)
  3. No one knows the tone of your message (although I’ve put in thoughts on making it sound nice IMO) so messaging is really really the worst thing to do when arguing
  4. MIL doesn’t know my style of messaging and assumed it’s an attack. So next time, suck it up and sort out with husband only la. Why so yaya message MIL right? (In my defence, I’ve never involved anyone whenever MrF and I argue. It was only this incident cos there’s mention of MIL)

Yeah anyway.. I had to do a bit of a reflection. Even though I was right on the issue of communication with husband, for my communication with MIL, I still have a lot to improve on 💆🏻‍♀️

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Secrets and communication

Hello! Blog is becoming dusty cos nothing blog-worthy to share 😬

But something just happened and I thought this incident would be a good learning point for fellow wives and wives-to-be. InsyaAllah. Or it could be used as a platform for a discussion (can sense my love for engagement? Hurhur)

Since no one in this blogosphere knows who I am (except for Kraken Mummy and Dentedaura, hello ladies!), I hope this is not taken as a post to “buka aib”.

I’ve tried searching for answers online. Somehow Malay Islamic articles tend to only say what a wife is supposed to do but not much on husband to wife. I didn’t do a search in English (don’t ask me why, I also can’t answer haha)

Anyway, I discussed with an Ustazah instead (it’s easier that way also hehe no need to read here and there).

Ok what’s the issue?

  • MIL borrowed husband’s money for his sister’s big bang wedding
  • MIL mentioned not to tell wife about it since it’s from his own savings account (not joint and not wife’s savings)
  • Husband took it as a mother’s request and it is an amanah (since syurga anak lelaki bawah tapak kaki ibu kan), so husband kept it from wife
  • It’s also to tutup aib (cos borrowing money is embarrassing right?)
  • Wife accidentally found out a year later, got freaking angry and made a hell of a big fuss

Since it’s an issue of Ibu’s words vs how a couple handles information in a marriage, I felt it would be best to talk to a learned person who can give the Islamic perspective.

Ustazah summarised:

  1. Ustazah saw that husband is doing a good job of pleasing his mom (may he be rewarded Amiiin!) but the way it was done could be improved
  2. If both husband and wife have decided from the start not to keep secrets and to have open communication, by keeping information from the wife, that’s considered “mengkhianati isteri”
  3. Even when the request is from the mom, husband should just share and inform the mom that this is the style of his marriage
  4. This is made worse when the request is for “benda tak berfaedah” (lol I seriously love the words used by the ustazah)
  5. The fault lies with the MIL and SIL for “menuntut wang dgn cara begini utk benda yg tak berfaedah”

When it all happened, I was seriously pissed (tahap maksima) cos I saw it as an interference of our marriage. It was our style to be open (yes, MrF always needs constant reminder to tell me stuff about work or his life cos he’s really very quiet but he won’t purposely hide things from me la.) On top of that, nowadays both husband and wife need to work right? It was discussed at the start, we share the expenses so that both of us can put aside some of our salaries for personal savings. If I was such a meanie, I would have just used husband’s salary for EVERYTHING which means he won’t get to save much while ALL my salary goes to my savings. Of course no one wants to be mean to husband kan and sure help each other out. So even if it’s his money and he doesn’t need to share, I think in our context, a discussion is definitely required. (Actually if he had shared, I would have told him don’t do it la. Grand wedding not necessary seh! But if you have the means and don’t disturb my life, I don’t care la. This part he knows my stand – that explains why he didn’t bother mentioning and supported by MIL some more 😤)

TBH, I was quite surprised Ustazah said I was right in this whole incident. I was also thinking maybe all of his mom’s words must be adhered to, even if it’s a ridiculous request. Lol. So alhamdulillah, we got that resolved.

Another learning point: Please don’t spend beyond your means. The reception is the least important event in the marriage. You wouldn’t want to be paying for the loan for the next 5-10 years. The loan will snowball if you have a first child within the first year. Add on renovation cost for house. Before you know it, you forget to work on your marriage cos busy slogging to pay back loan, marriage breaks down (nauzubillah), you go separate ways but end up still having to pay for something that caused your separation. What an irony la. The event was supposed to bond you 🤦🏻‍♀️.

So yeah, let’s hope everyone else has good communication and relationship with their husbands and ILs! Jiayou us!! 💪🏻💪🏻

Till the next update where I will share about my booboo! 😅

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A year on

Our boy is growing up so fast 😢

Recently I have been quite emotional cos I’ve been looking through and compiling his photos from Day 1 to put everything into an album. I wanted to reminisce and reflect how 1 year went by.

Everyday as we look at him, we are thankful Allah swt blessed us with a happy and healthy boy. One thing we learnt after being parents is to count every little blessings. No matter how hard it is bringing up a baby, there will always be others who are having it harder than us. So do not despair, do not compare and do not give up, let’s work hard to bring up the blessing given by Allah 💪🏻

I love experiencing his milestones. At first I thought he’ll end up as a mama’s boy but sad to say, the bapak is the more fun parent and he is, I have to admit, an “anak bapak”. His first and favourite word is… no surprise here..”Bapak!” 🙄

Good thing I love his bapak 😆 if not I’ll be so sad. “Mama” is such an easy word to say! I thought the sound “mmm” is every baby’s first syllable. 🤔 But then again I think it’s my own doing la. I have always been the more serious but talkative parent. I will point out and tell him stuff like “bapak doing this, bapak doing that, bapak work, bapak eat, bapak everything la”.

On the other hand, MrF being his naturally quiet self, he interacts more by playing and doing activities with him. There’s no regular “mama this, mama that, mama work”. It’ll be – shoots nerf gun, throws ball, tickle tickle, throws him in the air, run crawl around, play hide and seek, etc. (Okla lotsa effort there, boleh patah tulang belakang. My activities cuma menghauskan je lol)

Whatever it is, I’m happy how things turned out. All I wish is for our son to grow up healthy, happy and holy (haha just to get a word that begins with H!) hehe okla I meant kuat imannya pada Allah swt and Rasul saw.

Of cos in order for that to happen, MrF and I must make sure we constantly improve ourselves as his parents. May we be granted good health and patience so that we can do our job in guiding our son well for this life and hereafter.


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Play date

Ever since I got married, I always had the idea of setting up a childcare centre. Intention: quit my job, take care of my own children while earning money by caring for other children.

To show how semangat I was, I even checked ECDA website on how to set one up BUT one criteria was holding me back – need to take up early childhood course. It’s either I take the course or hire people who have that course. It’s better to have it myself (cos people can easily quit on me kan), but cos no time to go through another cert chasing course, I’ve put my idea away. However, I recently and randomly brought this idea up to my sec school mates and surprisingly they are interested too! But they suggested starting with play dates first.

And after that whole long long introduction, here’s our little experiment to cater to the north siders (cos everything always happens in the east. Give chance to the north la):

We’ve tried it for free before and now we’re trying to see if we can reach out to the masses at this cost. The goodie bags and refreshments provided are definitely worth more than $10! And we haven’t even gone into quantifying the joy and fun that both mummy and kid will get! Hurhur. Do support us if you have kids of that age! Help to spread the word my dear blogger friends, k? Thanks! 😘

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3/4 of the year went by…

BBoss will be turning 9 months this coming Monday. Seriously wow! 

It’s been 2 weeks since I started work too. Another wow! Lol

How did all the weeks and months go by so fast?!?! 

Alhamdulillah it was rather easy to go to work. BBoss has friends (his cousins, bibik and my mom) in the day. He doesn’t cry when I wave to him goodbye but surprisingly he cries when MrF does so 🤔 I can’t imagine going away when he’s crying for me, so I’m quite thankful it doesn’t happen to me. 

On days that I take MRT back home, I’ll obike from station to home. That’s how eager I am to go home. Some days, I’m lucky enough to have MrF and BBoss welcoming me at office lobby. That will mean I have an extra hour to play with BBoss after work. Sad life of Singaporean working mummies: spending more time with bosses and colleagues than own child 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sometimes I don’t feel like rushing back and want to slowly stroll my way home. However, BBoss doesn’t drink milk (be it breastmilk or formula) when I’m away. It’s not about the bottle or the cup or straw or whatsoever item. When he tastes the liquid, he’ll push everything away and it’s always a battle for my mom and helper. At first, I thought it’ll be ok if he doesn’t drink but I noticed that he’s having hard stools and always crying when he’s trying to poop. Soooo I need to rush back home. There’s also no way I can travel for work till I solve this drinking problem. So boss, pls be kind eh 😑

He eats fruits so no issue with the fibre part but he needs water to wet the poop. Therefore the current solution is to give him watermelon and very watery porridge everyday. 

With him not drinking in the day, I realise I don’t need an empire of milk stash. Kinda solve my pumping problem at work too. If it’s a busy day, I pump once only. On days that I can afford some time (aka boss not around), I can pump 3x. I just pump to ensure that supply is still there for his night latch. I’m not sure if it’s possible for me to skip pumping in the day and still have milk at night? I also feel bad pumping and dumping so I’ve been storing all the pumped milk in the freezer. Still thinking what I should do with the milk. 

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HR just informed me yesterday on 28th Sep that I’m going back to work next Monday, 2nd Oct! Jahat or what so last minute inform??!! I know I should bersyukur but my heart cannot take such shock la.

If we were more prepared for the news, I believe it wouldn’t be so bad. Now, we don’t have much time to react!

When we were confirming my NPL at the start, I requested for my NPL to end on 30th Sep. I was told to contact HR 2 weeks before I return to check if there’s a post. I went beyond what’s requested. I contacted HR 1 month ahead wokay! I have been calling and emailing HR every week to ask whether there’s a post and whether I can go back on my requested date BUT HR TOLD ME NO POST AND NOT SURE WHEN I’LL RETURN. The least they could do was give me a hint kan 😤

Cos of that, MrF, my helper, my mom and I didn’t really work hard in letting BBoss get used to being away from me for 12 hours and I didn’t really build an empire of milk stash. 

To change gears from being a stay at home Mom (SAHM) to a working Mom (WM) is rather difficult. In preparation, I have been like a mad woman packing my work bag cos I brought everything on my desk home. Confident I will be posted elsewhere. So kental end up same place again. 

Was hoping for a more family/baby friendly team. Oh wells, gotta accept my fate la. Let’s just be positive and wing it!

Wish me luck that: 

  1. Work (bosses) won’t be horrible
  2. Helper and my Mom do not get too stressed with BBoss 
  3. I can control my separation anxiety 
  4. Brain knows how to function for work

May it be a smooth transition for my family and me. Amiiin!

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7 months later

Surprise surprise, I’m still on leave despite finishing up my maternity and annual leaves. Yeah I had to resort to taking No Pay Leave (NPL) for about 3 months. 

It’s kind of a kecoh situation. 

Let’s run through all the details.

We have a maid:

We took a maid cos my mom very the gatal – back then, MrF and I will do our housework and laundry every few days (siapa sanggup buat hari2 sebelum/lepas keje kan??!!) but my Mom cannot tahan. She believes that laundry and housework must be done daily so she will secretly do for us while we’re at work. We can’t stop her from doing cos we’re at work so we got a maid to settle that issue for us. After my dad became bedridden, we thought the maid can help carry my dad too. 

If parents were not staying with me, I would not have a maid and also would have sent BBoss to infant care (IFC) from the start but you know la, orang tua senang kecik hati. Orang da satu rumah, abeh cari orang lain jagakan anak. So okla tak nak rumitkan keadaan, I thought the maid can help look after the baby while my Mom supervises. $580+levy monthly seems like a good deal – housework, laundry, Dad and BBoss.

So why am I on NPL then? 

My mom requested that I extend my leave cos they can’t manage to care for my dad and BBoss concurrently. When the request was made, the whole house had gone through about 3 months of BBoss crying almost all his waking time, really cranky and difficult to manage. After weeks and weeks of discussion with MrF, I decided on NPL. Only the parents sanggup layan karenah anak sendiri kan, don’t want to stress my Mom with another responsibility so I took NPL. 

“Oh anakku, tolong kenang jasa mama eh nanti. Kalau tak, aku debik”

It’s such a big risk for me cos company does not reserve the post for anyone who takes NPL for more than a month, I might have to wait a few more months before an empty post comes along. I really hope that’s not the case. Then someone so jahat spread rumour that I’m not coming back after this NPL and HR had to call to clarify. I really really really hope that there’s a nice post waiting for me once I go back work. Amin!

Anyway my mom is very happy to see me sacrificing my career for my child. She always thought I’m career and money crazy  and “confirm tak tau jaga baby just cos I was geli to help wash my nieces’ buttocks dulu” lol but wow I actually gave all that up and proved my mama wrong (of cos I’ll wash my son’s buttocks la! why would I want to wash someone else’s kan?) Hurhur

I mentioned earlier that it’s a kecoh situation right? 

So here’s the kecoh part: 

As I’m nearing the month to go back work, my mom suddenly thought of moving out to her new BTO. Reason: Something about having own house is better than being a penumpang. Cos biasalah org tua very sensitive. It’s gonna be very hard on her living alone with my dad who can’t move and can’t speak. She’s gonna be so lonely and my 3 sisters and I are worried she’ll go crazy/depressed. She also doesn’t want the maid to go with them (why mama why??) So that’s one problem.

Next problem, BBoss! I need to scramble for IFC now 😱 I hope there are still slots available somewhere!

Third problem, my mom keeps changing her mind. When she’s happy, she doesn’t think of moving out. When she’s suddenly unhappy and hormonal (menopausal), she says she wanna move out. So how now?

If I put BBoss into IFC now, my mom will think I’m chasing her out. (Old people very sensitive kan!) 

Also, if we put him in IFC now, we will be double paying – maid and IFC? 

I guess we’ll just standby an IFC somewhere, then the moment my mom really moves, we will put him in. If my mom wants the maid, she’ll go along with them. If not, I will have to let her go.

There’s also another issue of people saying I chase my parents out. OMG so many things to think of 😱

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