Secrets and communication

Hello! Blog is becoming dusty cos nothing blog-worthy to share 😬

But something just happened and I thought this incident would be a good learning point for fellow wives and wives-to-be. InsyaAllah. Or it could be used as a platform for a discussion (can sense my love for engagement? Hurhur)

Since no one in this blogosphere knows who I am (except for Kraken Mummy and Dentedaura, hello ladies!), I hope this is not taken as a post to “buka aib”.

I’ve tried searching for answers online. Somehow Malay Islamic articles tend to only say what a wife is supposed to do but not much on husband to wife. I didn’t do a search in English (don’t ask me why, I also can’t answer haha)

Anyway, I discussed with an Ustazah instead (it’s easier that way also hehe no need to read here and there).

Ok what’s the issue?

  • MIL borrowed husband’s money for his sister’s big bang wedding
  • MIL mentioned not to tell wife about it since it’s from his own savings account (not joint and not wife’s savings)
  • Husband took it as a mother’s request and it is an amanah (since syurga anak lelaki bawah tapak kaki ibu kan), so husband kept it from wife
  • It’s also to tutup aib (cos borrowing money is embarrassing right?)
  • Wife accidentally found out a year later, got freaking angry and made a hell of a big fuss

Since it’s an issue of Ibu’s words vs how a couple handles information in a marriage, I felt it would be best to talk to a learned person who can give the Islamic perspective.

Ustazah summarised:

  1. Ustazah saw that husband is doing a good job of pleasing his mom (may he be rewarded Amiiin!) but the way it was done could be improved
  2. If both husband and wife have decided from the start not to keep secrets and to have open communication, by keeping information from the wife, that’s considered “mengkhianati isteri”
  3. Even when the request is from the mom, husband should just share and inform the mom that this is the style of his marriage
  4. This is made worse when the request is for “benda tak berfaedah” (lol I seriously love the words used by the ustazah)
  5. The fault lies with the MIL and SIL for “menuntut wang dgn cara begini utk benda yg tak berfaedah”

When it all happened, I was seriously pissed (tahap maksima) cos I saw it as an interference of our marriage. It was our style to be open (yes, MrF always needs constant reminder to tell me stuff about work or his life cos he’s really very quiet but he won’t purposely hide things from me la.) On top of that, nowadays both husband and wife need to work right? It was discussed at the start, we share the expenses so that both of us can put aside some of our salaries for personal savings. If I was such a meanie, I would have just used husband’s salary for EVERYTHING which means he won’t get to save much while ALL my salary goes to my savings. Of course no one wants to be mean to husband kan and sure help each other out. So even if it’s his money and he doesn’t need to share, I think in our context, a discussion is definitely required. (Actually if he had shared, I would have told him don’t do it la. Grand wedding not necessary seh! But if you have the means and don’t disturb my life, I don’t care la. This part he knows my stand – that explains why he didn’t bother mentioning and supported by MIL some more 😤)

TBH, I was quite surprised Ustazah said I was right in this whole incident. I was also thinking maybe all of his mom’s words must be adhered to, even if it’s a ridiculous request. Lol. So alhamdulillah, we got that resolved.

Another learning point: Please don’t spend beyond your means. The reception is the least important event in the marriage. You wouldn’t want to be paying for the loan for the next 5-10 years. The loan will snowball if you have a first child within the first year. Add on renovation cost for house. Before you know it, you forget to work on your marriage cos busy slogging to pay back loan, marriage breaks down (nauzubillah), you go separate ways but end up still having to pay for something that caused your separation. What an irony la. The event was supposed to bond you 🤦🏻‍♀️.

So yeah, let’s hope everyone else has good communication and relationship with their husbands and ILs! Jiayou us!! 💪🏻💪🏻

Till the next update where I will share about my booboo! 😅

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