The story of a plane

My mom just went downstairs and bought BBoss a toy plane. It’s just a $2 plane but it means the world to me. I’m going to teach BBoss to love and keep this toy forever and ever.

BBoss likes to be carried around as if he’s an aeroplane – him facing down and we will say “terbang sane, terbang sini” (“fly there, fly here”). My Mom also recalled that I requested (I think knowing my young self it must have been demanded and not requested 😅) for a remote controlled aeroplane. So…

Gaknye budak ni mcm kau la suka aeroplane.

After that comment, she came back with a toy plane and then it got me into an emotional state. 😭

Back then, my dad worked alone to bring 4 girls up so it was not easy to get toys unless it was for something special. I was obviously very boyish and wanted an aeroplane instead of dolls. For my 6th birthday, he finally got it for me and omgee I was such a pelokek, I didn’t allow anyone to play with it. My dear kakak played with it when I was in school k 😤 

So much love for my Mom for doing this for BBoss. What my dad did for me, she’s doing it for my son. 

Also, it just hit me that my mom has taken it upon herself to be the “Grandfather” to BBoss cos my dad is bedridden. My dad used to sing to my nieces and nephew. They were lucky as they managed to see and play with a healthy Grandfather. And if he couldn’t play with them, he would accompany my sisters when they had to stay awake in the middle of the night and try to rock their babies to sleep. Before being bedridden, he was in a wheelchair and he would still force himself to accompany my third sister late at night to ensure she didn’t drop the baby in her sleepy state. Unfortunately BBoss came a lil too late to enjoy all these. 

My mom is now trying her best to sing to BBoss (despite hating to sing and it’s so funny cos she’s so awkward lol). I guess she wants BBoss to experience what his older cousins had with their Grandfather earlier. 

I know it’s not that sad for BBoss la cos he still has my Mom and his paternal grandparents. That’s way more than what some kids have. Some kids have neither paternal nor maternal grandparents but I’m just being emotional la.. so bear with it eh 😬

I hope I can be as selfless as my parents and am capable like them in bringing up good awesome kids (like yours truly hurhur). The sacrifices they made just to bring us up can never be repaid. The best I can do is to keep them in my prayers always. May Allah grant them the highest ranks in Jannah. Amin.

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Maternity leave

Omgee! Yesterday marked the end of my maternity leave (ML)! 😱 I was supposed to resume work today on Monday, 8th May. Thank goodness I have 2016 Annual Leave to finish using up. All 18 days of them and so I’m still 24/7 with BBoss. 

For this whole ML, these two things really stand out for me: breastfeeding and BBoss is a high needs baby.


Since I gave birth, I think everyone around me has to live in a world filled with so much breastfeeding information. I didn’t start the journey well so everyone could see and had to go along with my struggles.

I never thought I could breastfeed cos I thought it’s in the genes (Mom said she didn’t have much and the kakak wasn’t that particular so she didn’t bf much. She didn’t quite read up on bf too so macam tak kuasa sgt la nak buat apa2 to increase supply lol). As I read more articles on bf, I started to believe I can bf. I worked really hard till my family could see how stressed I was during the first 2 weeks. What happened:

  1. BBoss was too impatient to latch.
  2. He drinks every 1-1.5hr. My pumping couldn’t catch up with his drinking schedule. Amount pumped also not even half of what he drinks per meal.
  3. BBoss can scream really loud so there’s no time to wait for me to pump enough (even nurses at KK pointed this out to us. Thanks eh we can hear for ourselves.)
  4. KK nurse told me “you don’t bother latching la. Ur nipple is short and ur son so impatient. You pump better” (wrong advice I shouldn’t have listened)
  5. I tried latching and it was done wrongly. Ended up having sore nipples. Literally cried when BBoss latched. 

    Even though I was stressed out, I didn’t make myself go even crazier by insisting on BM alone. I supplemented with formula while I figured out what to do. On week 3, I couldn’t take it anymore so MrF and I decided to contact Sister Kang, the most famous lactation consultant (I think). She’s really awesome la! From then on, there’s no turning back, it was total bf. Alhamdulillah I’m really thankful I could bf cos it made going out easy BUT it resulted in a very clingy baby. The power of boobs! lol

    High needs baby

    This term was given by a doula la. At the start, BBoss doesn’t keep quiet unless he’s sleeping. He will scream till purple or voice serak. So many people were so worried for us and started to comment/do something. I guess they were trying to be helpful but you know.. some comments are quite unnecessary and stressed a new mother out. Some of the things done/said:

    1. Offer air bacaan (ok this I can accept)
    2. Offer to berubat (???)
    3. Not enough BM that’s why baby always crying (excuse me, he’s pooping and peeing a lot. His weight gain is good also)
    4. He needs plain water (haizzzz..)
    5. Why you never read Quran to him? (Urmm.. must tell u whenever we read, is it?)
    6. H has 2 pusar, u know what that means right? He’s degil. (Thanks friend, I choose to label him as a determined boy who will work hard for what he wants. Aamin!!)
    7. And this is the best: what is BBoss doing? Is he still crying? (Yalah! He’s a baby what! You want him to make money is it?!)

    Why can’t he just cry a lot? It’s a new world to him and his organs are still developing so maybe he’s uncomfortable. Let him “complain” to us la till he gets used to it. 

    Fortunately, it got much better as the months went by. I guess what a mummy-friend mentioned “about understanding our baby better will make caring for him easier” is true.

    Oh no, didn’t expect this to end up as a ranting post haha! I am not complaining about being a Mom (I’m really happy I have a child, don’t get me wrong hor) but just sharing what I had to experience once I became one. Satu kampong will contribute their 2cents worth but at the end of the day, I guess I had to be strong and try not to be so affected by them. 😬

    Okla I should plan for a happy post for the next one! 

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    Rants of a FTM

    I’m originally a carefree person but sadly that has changed since we started trying for a baby. I’ve become such a worrywart. It seems to worsen after I gave birth I think. 

    I discussed this briefly with fellow blogger mummies before. I will try my best to bring BBoss out everyday (for my own sanity and to give BBoss some VitD) but during those outings, I’ll be worrying non stop. I may look calm on the outside when I go out with BBoss but deep inside, I’m thinking and over thinking things. Blearghhh… I’m not sure what I’m so worried about but I will definitely worry. 

    Can’t pinpoint what exactly. It’s like I’m always talking with my conscience:

    – afraid he will be cranky at night and won’t sleep? (Babies are cranky anyway right?)

    – afraid I’ll be too tired and faint? Who to care for him?? (Urmm hello? Husband around right? Mom also right? Sisters can help out too la..)

    – afraid of tantrums from BBoss? (What’s the worse that can happen? He’ll just scream his lungs out right? He’s been doing that right?)

    – afraid not enough milk? (I think must always be positive then the milk ducts will continue producing milk)

    – afraid that going out is affecting his sleep or awake schedule (babies don’t have schedule la!)

    – maybe I feel like I’m not in control of my schedule and BBoss can throw me a curveball anytime he wants (I’m already expecting the worst all the time so what’s the big deal right?)

    – or this could be IT: I never had to worry about another being when I go out or do anything but now I have this HUMONGOUS responsibility for someone so small. (Carefree people don’t have responsibilities. Yeah probably this is it)

    I’ve been thinking and thinking why. I hope it’s a normal feeling for FTMs and pls don’t end up crazy, my dear self. 

    I guess the best way to overcome this is – practice and take things day by day. Just keep doing it and I’ll become a better mama each time. Jiayou to me! 💪🏻

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    Antics of a first time mom (FTM)

    And so.. I was out and about with BBoss on his stroller without MrF. I wanted to experiment taking the public bus with BBoss. Here goes:

    Me: *confidently carry the stroller up while BBoss is in it*

    Malay bus driver: Patutnya angkat baby dan lipat pram tu (The rule is you’re supposed to carry your baby and fold the stroller.)

    Me: Eh taklah! News baru kluar ckp da boleh sekarang. (Eh nolah! I read in the news that it’s been allowed.)

    MBD: Belum lagi la (that hasn’t been implemented yet)

    Me: *OMG I still want to defend* yeke?? Betul la, da kluar news la (Is it? It’s really in the news.)

    MBD: Gasaklah dik (whatever la)

    I went in, found a nice spot and then started searching for the news. Wokay I didn’t read the news properly. 🤦🏻‍♀️

    #mamagroggy #mamalackofsleep #confidencemestiada #confidenttakbertempat

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    Confinement period (dalam hari)

    Baby Boss (nick given by my Mom and my 5yo niece) is 8 weeks old already. I’m sure every Mom feels this way – sometimes you feel that time flew by really fast and sometimes you wish for time to go faster (especially time berjaga mlm and you want baby to grow out of that clingy phase or waiting for that moment the husband returns home from work).

    First few weeks were the confinement weeks. The length of our confinement period was not properly defined. Some people say it’s 40 days, some say when the darah nifas ends, some say 28 or 30 days (calendar month). Whatever it is, we were not following it strictly also la. Hope it won’t cause any problem in the long run!

    Most of the days we were at home while I enjoyed the post natal massage, ate good home cooked food and stressed myself figuring out my milk issues. Towards the end, we kinda let loose and ended up outside (much to my Mom and MIL’s horror lol). My mom said if really need/want to go out, just make sure we come home before magrib. 

    So for memories sake, here’s some of BBoss’ milestones for his first 40 days:

    BBoss Day 4&5 – BBoss was hospitalised for jaundice on his day 4 and 5. Every Mom will definitely visit her child at hospital so I couldn’t confine myself and was out and about those 2 days. MrF pushed me around on the wheelchair as my wound still felt rather sore. I felt like so Makcik2. Doesn’t help that MrF looks young like a teenager. Pfftttt! 

    BBoss Day 7 – MrF shaved BBoss’ soft soft and thick thick hair. I did a silent cry seeing everything off 😭 and prayed that he’ll grow that same soft hair again #prioritiesmerepek. We also did tahnik (putting kurma/honey) into his mouth. We did these ourselves in the comfort of our home. We did his aqiqah in Indonesia via (coming from a family of all girls, I was quite surprised to learn 2 kambing for boys! Bertuah nye boboy lol) 

    BBoss Day 25 – we managed to get a slot to do his circumcision (sunat/berkhatan) at Maju Clinic in Eunos. Procedure costs $250. Most of the clinics charging this price. Very old doc (I think he’s like 70+yo?). I wanted to do it at Dr Zailan (Chong Pang) but it was quite hard to get slots. We also contacted the other clinics (price ranging from $170 to $500) but they couldn’t squeeze us in on that particular day. We did it on this day as it was the first day of MrF’s one week paternity leave (He used his annual leave when I gave birth.) We timed it nicely on his leave so he can help take care of BBoss if he’s sick and cranky after the procedure.

    BBoss Day 27 – MIL organised a doa selamat for him at their house. Good thing he hadn’t started his cranky phase then. Alhamdulillah it took place rather smoothly. 

    BBoss Day 28 – Follow up appointment at Maju Clinic. His beberd looked well, alhamdulillah no infection and no additional snip off required. Since we were in Eunos, we also dropped by the car workshop to service MrF’s car. They allowed me to go up the office with BBoss while MrF watched them conduct the servicing. Our first public breastfeeding session at a car workshop office 🙈

    BBoss Day 30 – My previous dept was having a dept retreat at Gardens by the Bay. They had 20 additional tickets which had to be used up by that day. Thankfully they thought of me (I must be the only free person in the world that they can think of lol). So our first family outing and BBoss’ first touristy spot was GBTB. It was really nice to see my colleagues after so long. 

    BBoss 1 monthsary (31 days) – we tried BabySpa. Let him swim with the hope to make him tired and less gassy (we read that exercise is good for gassy babies). We thought if he’s tired from swimming, he’ll sleep longer at night but erpps no it didn’t work. Haha. 

    BBoss Day 33 – first wedding invite for BBoss! My oldest friend so how could I miss this wedding!

    Final 7 days of confinement, I decided to stay home cos BBoss started being cranky and clingy. He can comfort latch for 5hrs straight omgee my most horrifying night so far. I was really too tired from the sleepless nights to go out.

    And so…It’s halfway through maternity leave already 😱 can’t imagine going back to work on 8 May. I’m still undecided whether to extend till after Raya or just go back to work in May. I shall wait for PB to come in and decide la. Will need to inform boss by April if there’s a chance. Maybe can start work again on 1 Jul? BBoss will be 5.5months by then 🤔

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    Our birth story

    Before I start my super duper long winded story, I need to pen this down as a reminder that I should be very thankful I have MrF with me. He’s a man of few words but his actions.. fuh! so much love for this Husband of mine la! I need to constantly remind myself to always treasure this man. Not trying to show off but this whole pregnancy and birth episode really made me think about this. I really thank Allah for the jodoh he has assigned to me. 

    Hehe.. Ok, birth story:

    MrF and I had our date night watching movies in our room on 14 Jan night. We happened to watch Masterminds (based on a true heist story). This obviously led to me dreaming. On Sunday 15 Jan at around 5.40am, I dreamt an action packed kinda dream. In my dream, I was part of a heist and was escaping with my fellow bandits when suddenly whoooosh! I felt a pop (I’m not sure why I could differentiate dream and reality at this point) and my hand automatically went down to my bottom. I felt a gush of water. Within 2 sec (I believe I was that fast hehehe), I jumped out of bed and let the water gush on the floor instead of on the bed. I know.. wrong priorities – I could have injured myself and baby but at that moment I didn’t remember I was pregnant and wetting the bed is a big no no (da 39 weeks seh, ape plak lupa eh)

    MrF is a light sleeper and he was shocked to hear a loud thud. I really pity MrF cos he has such a crappy dramatic wife who always makes funny actions and he loses sleep over it. 

    Anyway A LOT of water gushed out. I was sitting on the floor for about 5-10min before I got up. 

    I read that I have up to 24hours after waterbag burst. My plan was to wait till contractions are 5min apart before making my way to hosp. I confirmed this with a few friends and they agreed with me. 

    I cleaned up, performed subuh and then MrF and I had a 2hr walk around our area. We had LJS porridge breakfast. I didn’t feel any contractions yet. After the walk, we went home and napped. Woke up around noon but still no contractions. Hmm we started to worry.. 

    The MIL found out that we didn’t admit ourselves in yet and she called to scold us. After that scolding, we thought okla let’s listen to the elderly and check ourselves in at 3pm (9h after burst) even though there’s no contractions. I was only 1cm dilated. KK Nurses nagged cos we didn’t admit earlier. They were afraid of cord prolapse (cord coming out first?). They said if it’s only slight leaking, we could go home but cos I’ve gushed out quite a lot of water I had to be admitted.
    And so.. my long torturous journey of waiting at the delivery suite began. I seriously thought I could give birth that 15 Jan night but I didn’t have any contractions. Dilation was also super slow. I had to be induced. I was praying that I can stand the induced contractions. After 8hours of drip induce, my dilation was only at 3cm. Omgee! Gynae said there must be something wrong if not, most patients would have dilated easily. 

    I succumbed to epidural (I cried cos I didn’t want this) on 16 Jan at 12 noon (30h after burst). They had already given me the max dose of the induced meds. My back was in too much pain and I was still at 3cm. The whole time since admission I was not allowed to walk and I was really frustrated. I kept thinking I could save all these hours and not take epidural – if only they had let me walk around. The hosp bed was also too short for me. My feet were dangling off the bed. (KK, pls get some men size beds. There are ladies in SG who are >1.7m tall k)

    On 16 Jan at 4pm (34h after burst), gynae came in to tell us that I was only 5cm dilated. She said if by 5pm, I am not fully dilated, I would need to go for emergency csect as I cannot be on the drip for too long, it’s bad for my womb and baby. Again, I cried. I negotiated for more time and doc gave an extra hour. All the while we were waiting we kept reading surah2 Quran and ayat2 to permudahkan the labour. Doc came in to check at 6pm, and I was fully dilated! 

    I asked MrF to sujud syukur immediately cos I avoided csect (or so I thot). Although I had fully dilated, we only started the pushing at 730pm. 

    My last makan was on 15 Jan (the day before). That means I’ve gone 24hours without food. During the pushing, I ended up puking instead of pushing baby out. So torturous! Green acidic fluid came out instead. I was gagging and tired, I couldn’t push hard.

    Baby’s hair could be seen down there but I somehow can’t push baby out. He was so near yet so far. At that point, gynae checked and mentioned that my pelvic bone is blocking his way. Why didn’t she realise this prob earlier on??

    I asked if she could forcep or vacuum his head out but she mentioned that his position was wrong too (again, why didn’t she realise that earlier on??). These procedures could cut open his head instead of pulling him out. I already waited few months for this baby, there’s no way I’m going to risk his life.

    We had no choice but to go for emergency csect at 945pm (40h after burst). At that moment, I felt like a total failure. I succumbed to epidural AND emergency csect. I know it’s not a bad thing and my situation called for it. But it’s more of a personal achievement if I didn’t have to go thru this. I have always hoped to experience a natural no epidural birth. I didn’t picture myself being in this situation. At that moment, I pictured myself having postnatal depression cos of this but I quickly snapped out of it.

    I was wheeled into the OT at 10pm. Even at the OT table, gynae asked me to push again cos baby was really at the end of the birth canal. I could feel the ring of fire also cos they stopped the epidural when I started to push at 730pm. Unfortunately even though I pushed hard, baby didn’t budge. Emergency csect started after that and by 1035pm (41hr after burst) baby was out.  Thankfully I managed to ask for skin to skin despite being in a groggy state. I still couldn’t get over the shock of me going thru csect. In my head, I kept thinking what would MrF think of me. We kept talking abt natural birth. I walked and squatted a lot in my last trimester. I bought a gym ball. I ate healthy food. How could all that fail me? (But of cos Allah yg menentukan)

    At the recovery room, I had about an hour to myself. To prevent myself from being sad, I asked the nurse if MrF can enter. Since it’s a restricted area, she gave me the phone instead. At that moment, he was all alone outside the OT. I can’t imagine waiting outside an OT and not be able to do anything. Sempat ada perasan moment, I imagined him to be super worried for me so I wanted to reassure him I was ok. Heh. I wanted to tell him I was ok and to ask if he managed to see baby. KK should have sent him up to the ward first la, at least he could have rested in the room while waiting for me.

    When I was wheeled out of the recovery room, I saw MrF. He was really tired and his panda kesian! I had epidural to make me sleep but for him.. he was really on his toes the whole 2 days?

    So that concludes our 41hr labour story..from 540am on 15 Jan to 1035pm on 16 Jan. 

    We reached our ward at 130am, 17 Jan. Our baby was wheeled to us at 230am. At that moment, we forgot all the pain and tiredness. Mr and Mrs Fs are parents now 😬

    Even though things didn’t go as I planned, I should be thankful. It had to come from my wise 8yo niece: “At least baby and u came out healthy and safe.” I wonder why kids are so clever nowadays. 

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    39 weeks 5 days with him

    I never imagined post delivery would be this tiring! Quite a shock for me. Hehe.. I know I’m quite a noob and so naive as to expect an easy time caring for a newborn.

    Anyway I have some time and energy now while he sleeps on my chest, I shall post about my pregnancy.

    Alhamdulillah, my whole 10 months carrying my Son was relatively smooth. I thank Allah everyday cos I get to wake up every morning and still remain pregnant. The phobia after 2 miscarriages was crazy. 

    Although it wasn’t a torturous journey (as in no puking, no headaches, no bad acid refluxes, managed to sleep easily, boleh jln lenggang kangkong lol), I couldn’t help worrying that I might miscarriage anytime. It was bad enough to miscarriage at 6 and 9 weeks. Can you imagine if losing baby after carrying for 35-40 weeks? Nauzubillah.. 

    I didn’t have any symptoms, managed to fast the whole Ramadan (my dream since I got my period lol). Allah was really kind to me for making it easy to carry my Son after going through 2 miscarriages. (By the way, some of us were thinking maybe big sized people don’t really feel the symptoms cos the hormones are well distributed in our big bodies thus doesn’t affect our system causing the morning sickness? How? True or not?)

    There were also many many other worries along the whole pregnancy. I was reminded a few times by friends to “husnuzon”. Thanks friends for being there and not judging me for being overly worried!

    Despite my many worries, we managed to go for a babymoon on our 28th week. Decided around 25th week when we were more confident that baby is ok. I chose  week 28 cos I thought if anything were to happen, at least baby is already 7months and premature babies have a high chance of surviving. Alhamdulillah nothing bad happened. I didn’t know my MIL was super duper worried at home. Kesian my MIL. We enjoyed ourselves overseas but she was in SG popping Panadols till the day we return. (This happened during my labour too!)

    Once again, due to my phobia.. I didn’t share my pregnancy with many. Direct family members knew about it after 9 weeks. Close friends at 3 months. Colleagues only realised when my bump appeared around 6 months? I think many more friends don’t even know I’m a Mom now cos I didn’t post anything on IG/FB during my pregnancy. Only posted our maternity shoot pictures after we gave birth (itupun restricted view for those who already know we’re pregnant hehe)

    We took our free maternity shoot (from Friso) at 36th week. Totally love the pictures and the time spent with MrF at the studio goofing around before we had to be adults to our little Son. 

    We were also quite lucky cos my Nephew is only 7 months older than our Son. So we received lotsa pass me down. A lot of items and in good quality some more! Many kind souls also gave us lotsa items. 

    Alhamdulillah I’m really really thankful that MrF and I have been given the chance to go through this journey together. Now when it’s quite tough to manage a newborn, I keep reminding myself to push through for the baby. It’s not easy to reach this stage and I should try my best to grumble less about the no sleep. Lol.

    To everyone who’s TTC-ing or have gone through miscarriages, I wish for a smooth journey for you. Remember you’re not alone and to always pray and doa a lot! 

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